Changes.

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Here’s a link to the scene I mention in this post from Marvel’s Agents of Shield: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4OUne9vj1ZI

I’ve been thinking a lot about life today. About moving on to college, leaving the home I’ve unexpectedly found this year in where I am. About leaving Acting Up when I did, wishing I could’ve stayed longer, and in times of weakness, wondering why I couldn’t have just toughed it out.

I read a lot of books, and the protagonist always ends up finding a home, a place, a people, and staying there. “Happily ever after” and all that. But I’m learning that life is not stagnant. Life is always growing and changing. People change, and places change. And for the ones like me who seek more, who feel called higher, staying is not an option even if we’d like to.

I’ve been watching Marvel’s Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D. with my dad over quarantine because it’s my favorite show. Tonight we watched an episode with a scene where 2 characters , Bobbi and Hunter, (who’d been on the show for 2 seasons) left SHIELD, and the team gave them the “Spy’s Goodbye.” I left the link above so you can get a visual and see what I’m talking about.

In the scene, Bobbi tears up looking around at her support system, at the family she’s fought for for years, and at her friends, who are the symbol of what she’s dedicated herself to for most of her life. She watches as one by one they walk out of the bar, each step nailing in her decision to leave SHIELD, and never be an agent of any kind again. 

I’ve already seen this episode, I was rewatching it with my dad, (and I cried both times LOL) but this time I paid more attention to Bobbi’s character. Character analysis is kind of my thing haha.

Watching her this time in light of the season I’m in, I wondered, “How could she so willingly walk away from this? She loves the field, worked with the team for so long that they felt like family, and dedicated her entire life to SHIELD. She even had an opportunity to stay! It wasn’t a good one, but it was an opportunity. But she didn’t take it. How is she so willingly to leave all she’s known?”

The answer is simple: Bobbi changed. Yes, she loved where she was, but she knew there was more from life for her and Hunter beyond SHIELD. There is no “finding a home and staying forever,” as much as she wanted there to be. There are too many independent variables at play in life.

There’s a line that one of the characters in High School Musical: The Musical: The Series that has stuck in my head since November about how I’ve felt about leaving Acting Up, and leaving all I’ve known within this year.

He says, “This whole experience- I’m not ready for it to be over.”

And I cry every time I watch him say that, because that’s how I still feel about the six years I’ve spent with Acting Up. I don’t want it to be over.

I may not want it to be over, but I am ready.

Life changes. Acting Up changed. People changed. I changed. And it was time for me to leave because those changes prepared me to move on from something that was such a huge part of my life. I knew it was time for me to leave.

Bobbi didn’t want her career to be over. But she knew it was time. She changed.

I don’t want my time with Acting Up to be done. Because amongst the bad times there were some good times too. I don’t want my time with my family, my mentors I’ve grown really close to, my 157 different moms at our church (LOL) to be over in the next few months.

But I know that it’s time. I’ve changed.

We’re growing. We’re learning. There’s New coming. Changes have already occurred. Because of them I can be Bobbi, raising a glass** with everyone she’s known to where she’s at and where she’s been.

I can be Bobbi, letting the tears flow from a place of peace as one by one her friends, family, and support system walk out the door of the bar.***

I can be Bobbi, watching them go, but looking past them to see the new life that’s coming.

And it’s beautiful.

 

** RAISING A GLASS OF APPLE JUICE, PLEASE REMAIN CALM
***WALK OUT THE DOOR OF THE JUICE BAR, IF YOU WILL

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